i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was born a porn star she said
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
