im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize