shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm bleeding and have questions
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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