I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
