He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
