There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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