You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
