he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
