i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
