u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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