Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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