sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
