someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
