Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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