Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
