Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
