his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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