woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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