Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
