I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
