Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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