i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
