I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
