I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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