I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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