I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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