on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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