Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
