the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Your cock deserves a montage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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