The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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