____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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