No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
