i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
