your parents love me but you hate me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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