in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
