too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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