I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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