Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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