i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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