I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize