ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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