the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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