The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
