Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
