I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
