my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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