She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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