Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just invented taco cereal.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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