She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
