He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
