If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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