can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
