1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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