Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
