k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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