I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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